"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall - think of it, always."

- Gandhi 

Me at age 40 with my two dogs.  This was taken just 3 months before becoming totally disabled.

This was taken just one year before explant.  I was very sick and had gained quite a bit of weight.  I still had no idea that my implants were causing my illness when this was taken.

Taken on my 43rd birthday celebration.  Very, very tired and sick.  I wasn't even sure how I was able to get dressed that night to go out.  Also at my all time heaviest.  The toxins from the implants were causing bloating and thyroid problems.

Taken just a few weeks before attempting suicide.  My  body was swelled from the infection I had in my right breast.  I was very, very sick and was having a difficult time standing.  I had spent most of this day in a wheelchair.  At this time, I believed that my Mentor implants were making me ill but had no idea of the infection that would be discovered after explant.   I called myself the 'Pillsbury Dough Girl'.  It was a way of coping with what I had been going through.

Age 44, taken 5 weeks after suicide attempt and just one week prior to explant surgery.  

My Stanley.  Mr. Funny Face.  He is an Italian Greyhound and deserves a special mention as he has gotten me through some very tough days.  I love him dearly.

My Daisy.  She is a Toy Fox Terrier.  Another special mention goes to my girl.  She also got me through the tough days.  She is a sweetheart!

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man"                      -Mark Twain

My first symptom was fatigue.  I just thought  that I had been working too hard.  On the weekends I'd catch up on my sleep.  Then the aches and pains started.  I attributed this to sitting for so many hours at my place of employment staring at a computer screen.  

Slowly I was developing all of the symptoms that most women get when they become ill from their implants.  Work was becoming more difficult as a result of the fatigue, confusion and aches and pains were now a part of each and everyday.  

I loved my job but there were factors that were stressing me out.  In April 2001, I relocated for another job.  I was very happy and excited about the change.  I felt that a lot of the stress would diminish and I would start feeling better.  Well, my health continued to decline.  The fatigue, aches, pains and confusion did not improve.  Now I had a new symptom.  Depression.  Severe depression.  I was crying all the time it seemed.  I was also having a difficult time walking from the parking lot to my desk at work.  I would just collapse into my chair each morning totally out of breath and wondering why this short walk was affecting me this way.  I started to believe that it was all related to my depression as I just couldn't stop crying.  

I went to a psychiatrist so that I could talk to her about my problems.  I found myself crying even more.  I was also concerned about my weight although I had just lost 5 pounds, I felt obsessed with it.  It was as though, my thoughts were changing, everything about me was changing, like I was becoming a totally different person.  It was very frightening. 

The fatigue I was experiencing became worse each day.  I would push myself to make it through the week and then sleep the entire weekend.  Still felt as though  I hadn't slept at all.

On September 6, 2001, I woke up, got out of bed and fell on the floor.  My legs from the knees down went completely numb.  The numbness only lasted a few seconds but I thought that maybe I had tripped over the comforter as I grabbed it when I fell.  I knew in my heart that wasn't really what happened but I was still in denial.  I just started a new job.  A job that I had worked many years in an attempt to gain enough knowledge to be able to qualify for.  It was a very long struggle to learn everything I possibly could learn.  My thoughts were always 'knowledge is power'.  How ironic as I knew nothing about the implants that were going to affect my life in a very dramatic fashion!   

This job is want I wanted more than anything..  After all, this is what I had worked for most of my life.  I kept saying to myself...my legs could NOT have just gone numb.  Even after all of this, I attempted to get in the shower but found that I was too weak to stand.  I finally gave in, and called out sick that day.  I had no idea that September 5, 2001 would be the last day I would ever work again.  At least not for a very long time.

I called my psychiatrist.  She adjusted my medication and suggested that I rest for at least two weeks and let the medication do its work.  The last appointment I had with her she could see that I hadn't improved at all.  I kept complaining about the fatigue and weakness.  The last two weeks, I was sleeping 20 hours a day and still feeling terrible.  I also had another episode where I had fallen on the floor.  I realized that my legs were going numb from the knees down causing me to just collapse.  My doctor seemed concerned and told me to make and appointment to see my primary care physician as she thought that there was more than depression at play here.

My primary care physician took blood and tested for everything including Aids.  My nerves were shot waiting for all of the results to come back.  I told her that it was impossible for me to have Aids but she said better to be safe than sorry.  After all I had been losing weight and having terrible diarrhea immediately after eating.  Everything it seemed, upset my stomach.  I was living on Antacids.  I had a bottle in each room and some in my purse.  

The tests came back and I was diagnosed with Chronic Epstein Barr, Chronic fatigue and Fibromyalgia.  Fibromyalgia?  What the heck was that?  I had never even heard of it before and I was being told that I had it.  

I asked what causes everything that I had just been diagnosed with.  I was told extreme stress and overwork.  I accepted the diagnoses and hoped to be back in work within a few months.

Even after all of this, I kept a positive attitude.  I felt like this was meant to happen.  I had been going on empty for way too long.  I needed a break.  I was so sure that within a month, maybe two at the most, I'd be working again.

Many tests later, MS, Lupus, cat scans, x-rays, bone scans, nerve tests, and so much blood taken that I felt like a pin cushion.  After all the tests were performed this is what they had found....  I had a growth in the sack of my heart, three nodules on my thyroid, an enlarged liver and spleen and nerve damage in my legs.  I was told that the nerve damage was peripheral neuropathy.  Something else I had never even heard of.  

Three cardiologists looked at the lump next to my heart and said that they had no idea what it was and it should be checked every six months.  I was in total disbelief.  I was told that if it grew at all then I would have to have it removed.  This would require open heart surgery.  

The nodules on my thyroid showed to be benign.  My enlarged liver and spleen couldn't be explained.  I also found out that I had nerve damage in my legs.  This explained the two times that my legs went numb and I fell on the floor.  So I added peripheral neuropathy to the list of problems that I now had to deal with.  

The bone scan showed a number of hot spots.  One on my ribs and the others were in my hands and knees.  I was told that the hot spot on my rib was an old fracture but I refused to believe this as the pain in that area was so bad, I was unable to sleep laying on that side.  The doctor continued to argue with me saying that it was an old fracture and I told him that it wasn't.  He sent me to the hospital for an x-ray of the area explaining that the 'old fracture' would show up on the x-ray.  It didn't.  I was then diagnosed with costochondritis.  This is  inflammation of the cartilage between the ribs.  This made sense as my rib cage was in a lot of pain.  I couldn't sit up straight for long periods of time.  The pain was just too intense.  The other hot spots were arthritis.  I was becoming very alarmed as all of this just didn't make much sense.  Arthritis overnight?  I wondered why my knees started hurting so badly that it was difficult to stand from a sitting position.

All of these tests spanned a period of about 2 years.  It took about that long to find out what was going on.  However, I wasn't happy with the diagnoses.  I started to research Fibromyalgia and didn't really believe that the Fibromyalgia was something that I had.  Regardless of what the doctors said, I was starting to believe that the implants were causing me to be sick.  

Each and everyday, there were new symptoms popping up that were just unexplainable. Here is a list of all of my symptoms.  There are so many, it is and was hard for me to cope with all of it.

If you think that all of these symptoms are too much to comprehend, there are many more related disorders believed to be associated with breast implants.  Many women develop other serious diseases such as Lupus, Multiple Sclerosis, Raynaud's phenomenon, Hashimoto's disease and scleroderma to name a few.  

I have many symptoms of Lupus but was told that it is not showing in my blood work yet but can several years down the road.  Lupus can be a difficult auto-immune disease to diagnose.

I continued to ask each doctor about the possibility of my implants causing problems.  They all said the same thing.  "Saline Implants do not make you sick".  However, I was beginning to wonder.  

In August 2004, I started to search the internet again and by chance I found a support group.  A support group for women with breast implants.  The information was alarming!  This is when I knew that it was very important for me to have these toxic bags removed immediately!

Just when I thought things couldn't possibly get worse, they did.  I found out that my Long Term Disability had been terminated.  My attorney assured me that it was a mistake and that it would be resolved shortly.  I had enough money saved to pay all of my bills for about six months.  At this point, I was also collecting Social Security Disability. 

I was in a panic as I just purchased a new car and knew that if this wasn't settled, I'd lose my townhouse and probably my car as well.  That is exactly what happened.  I had to move in with my sister as I had no place to go and was running out of money.  On October 5, 2004, I moved in with my sister and had all of my belongings put into storage.  I decided to stay with my sister until my Long Term Disability attorney was able to get this latest problem resolved.  I had also started to do some research in order to find a good plastic surgeon that would remove my implants.  

Things were not good with my sister.  I was very depressed.  I had been independent most of my life and suddenly found myself having to rely on someone else for support. 

Then my health insurance along with prescription coverage were both cancelled.  It seemed as though each and everyday something else was being taken away from me.

On October 19, 2004, I reached the darkest place I had ever known.  So dark that it was just unbearable.  I woke up that morning, went downstairs to yet another confrontation with my sister.  It had only been three weeks but each day there was something else that we were arguing  about.  I grabbed some clothes and my meds.  I told my sister that I would be spending a few days with my Mother.  I headed towards the river and decided that I had just had it.  Enough was enough.  Game over for me.  No more fighting.  No more problems.  No more pain or fatigue.  No more doctors looking at me like I was nuts.  I was very disappointed with life in general.  Mostly people and frankly I had been disappointed by people for way too many years.  It was just too much for me to handle any longer.  Three years of my life lost.  I lost everything.  My health, career, independence, friends, my home, you name it!  That was it.  I attempted suicide that very rainy October day but like everything else, I had been unsuccessful with this too!    

I remember leaving my sisters house at 9am.  After that, things are very fuzzy.  Some of what happened has come back over time and other things I just can't seem to remember.  I do remember waking up at 3pm with my Mother at my bedside.  I had to ask her where I was.  I found out that I was in the hospital.  I spent 4 days there before I was released. 

I remember being very angry that my attempt was unsuccessful.  I still had my problems to deal with and I just didn't know how I was going to deal with any of it.  I just couldn't believe that I even failed at taking my own life. 

When I was released from the hospital I immediately went to my sister's house to get my dogs.  I missed them terribly and quite frankly was wondering if they were ok after 4 days with her.  I had a very warm greeting from my sister, huh, as she had spent the last 4 days packing up my things.  She literally threw me out of her house.  I'll never forget her words to me.  'We won't have any of that kind of thing in this house.'  I guess 'that kind of thing' was referring to my suicide attempt.  Very cold words coming from someone that had known what I had been through the last several years of my life.  I confided in very few people about what happened and soon found out that they too had the same reaction.  Indifferent, uncaring or just didn't even want to hear about it.  One person I told asked me how I could be so selfish as there were so many woman that needed help!  I was one of those women that needed help but I guess some people didn't see it that way.  Like I said before, people have disappointed me many times in my life.  My Mother was the only person I could speak to but not for help as I really didn't want help, I wanted out.  Out of this life.    

So in adding to the long list of things that were lost due to my uninformed decision, I added my sister to that list.  This I know was for the best.   I know that I will never speak to her again but to this day, I'm completely shocked at her behavior more so than my own!  

On December 24th, 2004, yes Christmas Eve, I found out that I lost the battle against my Long Term Disability provider.  Things couldn't get much worse.

Getting breast implants had no doubt been the worst decision I had ever made in my life. 

This could happen to you!